“Why is that always locked?” I asked one night while we cleaned up after dinner. Daniel kept drying dishes. “Storage,” he said.
“Old tools, boxes, paint cans, all that stuff. I don’t want the girls getting into something dangerous.”
That made sense, so I let it go. Still, little things kept catching my attention.
Sometimes Grace would pause in the hallway and glance at the basement door when she thought nobody noticed. Sometimes Emily would drift near it, then hurry away with that guilty look children get when they think they have almost spoiled a surprise. Once, I found Grace sitting on the floor, staring at the knob.
“What are you doing?” I asked. She looked up. “Thinking.”
She stood right away.
“Nothing.”
Then she ran off before I could ask another question. It was strange, but not strange enough to start a fight over. Families carry odd habits the way houses carry drafts.
You notice them, then learn to walk around them. Then came the day everything changed. Both girls had colds, so I stayed home with them while Daniel went to work.
They were droopy and dramatic for about an hour. After that, they turned into loud, sniffly chaos with no respect for illness or furniture. “I’m fading fast,” Grace announced from the couch, one hand pressed to her forehead.
“You have a runny nose,” I told her. Emily sneezed into a blanket and said, “I also am fading. Maybe forever.”
“Very sad,” I said.
“Drink your juice.”
By noon they were racing around the house playing hide and seek like two tiny maniacs. “No running,” I called. They ran.
From the stairs Grace yelled, “That was Emily!”
Emily yelled back, “I’m baby! I know nothing!”
I was heating soup when Grace came into the kitchen and tugged my sleeve. Her face was solemn enough to make me stop stirring.
“What is it?” I asked. She looked up at me and said, very quietly, “Do you want to meet my mom?”
For a second, I thought I had misunderstood her. She said it again, slow and clear, like maybe I was the one having trouble keeping up.
“Do you want to meet my mom? She liked hide and seek too.”
Something cold moved through me. “Grace,” I said carefully, “what do you mean?”
She frowned, like the answer should have been obvious.
“Do you want to see where she lives?”
Emily wandered in behind her, dragging her stuffed rabbit by one ear. “Mommy is downstairs,” she said. My heart started pounding hard enough that I could hear it.
“Downstairs where?” I asked. Grace took my hand. “The basement.
Come on.”
Every bad thought hit me at once. The locked door. The secrecy.
The way the girls watched it. A dead wife. A basement Daniel never opened around me.
Grace tugged me down the hall with increasing insistence. At the door, she looked up and said, “You just have to open it.”
My mouth went dry. She nodded.
“Sometimes. When he misses her.”
That did not help. I should have waited.
I know that now. I should have called Daniel. Or my sister.
Or maybe just walked outside and breathed until my brain worked again. Instead, I pulled two hairpins from my bun and knelt by the lock with shaking hands. Emily stood beside me, sniffling into her rabbit.
Grace bounced on her toes, excited, like she had finally gotten permission to show me something important. Then the lock clicked. I froze.
Grace whispered, “See?”
I opened the door. The smell hit first. Dampness.
Mildew. That sour, closed up smell basements get when they are trying too hard to hold onto old air. I took one step down, then another.
The room came into view slowly. And then my fear changed. It was not a body.
It was not some hidden crime. It was a shrine. An old couch sat against the wall with a blanket folded over one arm.
Shelves held photo albums, framed pictures, candles, and children’s drawings. There were labeled boxes, a little tea set on a child sized table, a cardigan over a chair, women’s rain boots by the wall, and an old television beside stacks of DVDs. A pipe dripped into a bucket in one corner.
Water had stained part of the wall. I just stood there, staring. Grace smiled up at me.
“This is where Mom lives.”
I looked at her. “What do you mean, sweetheart?”
She pointed around the room. Emily hugged her rabbit tighter.
“We watch Mommy on TV.”
Grace nodded. “And Daddy talks to her. Sometimes he cries, but he says that’s okay because she already knows.”
I looked back at the room.
Not a prison. Not a secret affair. Something sadder than either.
Daniel’s grief had a locked room, and the girls had been taught to step inside it with him. I walked toward the television cabinet. The top DVD said Zoo Trip.
Another said Grace Birthday.
There was a notebook on the table, left open.
I did not mean to read it, but my eyes caught one line anyway. I wish you were here for this.
I shut it at once. Then I heard the front door open upstairs.
Daniel was home early. His voice carried through the hall. Grace lit up.
“Daddy! I showed her Mommy!”
The footsteps stopped. Then they came fast.
