This led to more mockery from Tessa because she thought it reflected poorly on my homemaking skills.
She would constantly compare me to her father, her uncles, and other men she knew who could easily manage both work and home.
I would argue that these men probably had supportive wives, but she would just laugh it off and tell me to relax because it was just a joke.
That would infuriate me even more.
We did have good times occasionally, but what stuck with me were the times she would get under my skin, and I’ve been contemplating divorce for quite a while.
I’ve been contemplating divorce for quite a while.
I finally snapped last week when Tessa brought home her ex-boyfriend, Luca (28M), for dinner.
Luca was her high school sweetheart and they were together for almost 6 years until they broke up because they were heading to different colleges.
She ran into him at the grocery store.
He’d recently moved into our neighborhood, and she invited him over for dinner without even asking me—which was strike one.
I knew these two were quite the item in high school because Tessa’s friends would often bring him up and tease her about it even after we got married.
But that didn’t prepare me for how flirty and overly friendly she acted during dinner.
I could tell she was trying to get under my skin, and it was working.
That was strike two.
Then came strike three.
She started joking about what a sloppy husband I’d make, and how lucky I was to have my job as an excuse; otherwise she wouldn’t be able to explain my miserable cooking skills to any guests.
She made these jokes because Luca is a stay-at-home dad of two daughters, and she kept implying he was doing a far better job at everything compared to me.
She informed me that Luca was actually at the grocery store buying ingredients for some French dish he was planning to make for his wife, then cracked a joke about how I’d never be caught doing anything like that.
She even brought up my smoking, saying I just wanted to show off how stressed I was—unlike Luca, who does everything perfectly.
By then, I was fighting back tears, but I didn’t want to give Luca the satisfaction of watching me cry, so I just smiled through it all.
It was a humiliating experience, and by the time I served them ice cream for dessert, I’d made up my mind to leave.
That night, I waited until Tessa went to bed. I usually do the dishes at night and don’t go to bed until she’s asleep anyway, so this wasn’t unusual.
Once she was snoring, I packed some clothes and other necessities for myself and our son, called a cab, and headed to my parents’ house.
It was nearly midnight when I arrived.
As soon as my mother opened the door and I tried to explain, I broke down sobbing.
This made my son cry too because he was cranky and confused.
I had to bring him along because I wasn’t sure if Tessa could properly care for him in my absence, and I didn’t want to abandon him to find out.
My parents took us in without questions, and once they put my son to bed, I was finally able to calm down and tell them everything.
The next morning, Tessa called me in a panic asking where I was.
When I told her the truth and said I was filing for divorce, the panic in her voice disappeared and she started laughing.
She told me to cut out the drama and just come home.
That infuriated me so much that I started yelling at her, calling her an incompetent, lazy, selfish, and misogynistic woman.
When I said I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than go back to her, she finally seemed to realize I was serious.
Instead of apologizing, she started fighting with me over the phone, saying I was overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing.
She claimed she was just trying to lighten the mood around Luca with her jokes and that there was no need to take things to heart.
But here’s the thing: her jokes weren’t funny.
They were cruel and mean, especially given how I was already trying my best.
She just kept pushing me to my limit every single day.
When she finally understood this wasn’t just about the jokes, she started playing the victim, accusing me of leading her on because I admitted I’d been planning to leave for a while and this was just the last straw.
Now all our friends are texting me telling me I need to think about our family and put them first instead of myself, and not let a few stupid jokes destroy our marriage.
I’ve tried explaining that there’s a lot they don’t know, but everyone keeps insisting I shouldn’t destroy a home over some jokes.
I put up a post explaining everything I mentioned above, which seemed to pacify some people.
Tessa saw it too and said if these were my problems with her, I should have told her and she would have worked on it.
It’s ridiculous because I’ve been telling her these things for years, but it had no effect. It was like talking to a wall, and I’m just done now.
But after that post, she started saying she would change and be better—that she just needed one last chance to make it work.
She got some of our friends to try and persuade me to stay, promising me she would definitely change for the better and be a good wife.
But the fact that she keeps involving our friends just rubs me the wrong way.
It feels like she’s trying to peer pressure me into not getting a divorce, which is a manipulative and childish tactic.
I don’t believe she’s capable of changing anymore because I’ve given her countless chances to improve over the past few years, but she never has.
I’m sure that even if I stayed now, she might try to put in some real effort for a few months, but would eventually go back to her old behavior.
I’m not getting any younger, and I’m sick of being a single father despite having a wife.
Apart from everything else, I don’t think she’s the right role model for our son.
I definitely don’t want my son growing up in a household where behavior like Tessa’s is normalized.
I stayed with her for so long for my son’s sake, and now I’m leaving her for the same reason.
Two days ago, I filed for divorce, and today she was served.
She’s furious, mainly because she didn’t even want a divorce in the first place, and also because I filed for full custody of our son and requested to keep the house we lived in—or alternatively sell it and split the money 60 to 40 with me getting the larger share.
The house was a wedding gift from both our parents, so I think it’s fair that either I get to keep it or we split the money if we sell it.
I believe I’m entitled to the larger share because of all the hard work and effort I’ve put in over the last few years: working full-time, raising my son, and doing all the household work without any help from her.
I’m not even demanding alimony, so I think it’s a completely fair petition.
But Tessa says I’m being unreasonable, and that even if I want a divorce, I shouldn’t have filed for full custody because our son is just as much hers as he is mine.
Which is fair, but I don’t think she’s up to the task of being a mother.
I haven’t tried to take away her visiting rights.
She can still come by and see her son whenever she wants to.
She just doesn’t get to have him full time.
She called me after being served and told me I was being insane and this was a gross overreaction.
She said she already didn’t agree with the divorce, and now that I was demanding full custody and the house, she had reason to believe I was just being hysterical and not thinking straight.
When I explained that I had come to this conclusion after a lot of thinking and that it hadn’t been easy for me either, she broke down crying on the other end, which made things very awkward.
Tessa isn’t much of an emotional girl—pretty obvious from everything I’ve said—so her breaking down is a very big deal.
She was sobbing and telling me very emotionally that she never expected she could ever stand to lose me someday, which is why she’d taken everything for granted.
She begged me to give her just one last chance to prove she could be a good wife and a great mother.
It was incredibly hard for me to stand my ground, but I had to tell her my decision was final and that she’d realized things a little too late.
I couldn’t just go back to that life again.
She started crying even harder, and for the next couple of minutes I just had to stay on the call and try to console her, which was weird and uncomfortable for me.
Eventually she stopped crying and said she’d never be able to forgive me or herself if our son suffered because of this.
I assured her this was just a temporary arrangement because our son is still little, and we could renegotiate the terms of his custody in a couple of years when he’s a bit older.
I told her this was going to be hard on both of us, but we just had to make the best of our situation and try to be strong for our son’s sake.
But then she abruptly hung up on me.
I didn’t hear anything from anybody for the next couple of hours.
However, now suddenly all our friends have started texting me again, telling me what I’m doing is wrong on a fundamental level and that I need to reconsider my decision.
They’re saying that since Tessa is begging for one last chance, I really should consider it instead of being so cold-hearted and thinking only about myself.
At first it was just a few people, but now it’s practically everyone we know, and I’ve seriously started to reconsider because maybe I am the a**hole here.
I don’t even know anymore.
Am I the a**hole for filing for divorce from my wife and full custody of our son because she doesn’t help me?
Update one.
Hi, I’m back with an update after a really busy week.
I’ve been working with my attorney preparing for the negotiations. Tessa and I will be meeting with the court-appointed mediator first for both the divorce settlement and the custody case.
I’m not too worried about the divorce proceedings itself, but the custody battle has me pretty stressed out.
Everyone keeps telling me I’m being unreasonable about wanting full custody, but they don’t understand the whole picture.
I know our son prefers me mostly because he spends more time with me and always has.
Tessa has always tried to have a relationship with our son solely on her terms, but we all know that’s not how kids work.
One of the most frustrating things about this past week has been watching Tessa’s sudden transformation into a concerned mother.
She’s been posting on social media about how much she misses her son and how unfair it is that she can’t see him—which isn’t true.
She’s welcome to visit any time; she just hasn’t tried.
Several mutual friends have shared these posts, adding their own comments about what a loving mother she is.
The reality is quite different.
Tessa doesn’t even know our son’s daily routine, his favorite foods, or his allergies.
Just yesterday she called asking if our son still likes dinosaur-shaped nuggets.
Our son hasn’t eaten those in over a year because he’s now obsessed with space-themed food.
It’s these little things that make me doubt her ability to be a primary caregiver.
My attorney says we have a strong case based on my consistent involvement in our son’s life versus Tessa’s sporadic participation.
We’re preparing documentation of everything from doctor appointments I’ve taken our son to, to parent-teacher conferences Tessa has missed, to the daily routine I’ve maintained while working full-time.
The financial aspects are another mess entirely.
Tessa’s lawyers sent over some preliminary paperwork and they’re contesting my request for the house.
They’re arguing that since it was a wedding gift from both families, it should be split equally.
They conveniently ignore the fact that I’ve been the one paying for all the maintenance, repairs, and improvements over the years.
What’s really getting to me is the constant stream of messages from people who know our situation.
Some of Tessa’s gym clients have even reached out to tell me how devastated she is and what a great girl she’s always been.
It’s like they’re living in an alternate reality where being charming at work automatically makes you a good wife and mother.
The most surprising development has been my father-in-law’s reaction.
Unlike most of our friends who’ve taken Tessa’s side, he actually called me to say he understands my decision.
He revealed that he had similar issues with Tessa’s mother in their early marriage years, but he chose to stay and work it out.
The resignation in his voice when he said those words told me everything I needed to know about how that worked out for him.
My own parents have been incredibly supportive through all of this.
My dad has been helping me organize my financial documents and my mom has been taking care of our son when I need to meet with lawyers or attend to paperwork.
Their support has made me realize just how lonely and unsupported I felt in my marriage.
I’ll be honest: the stress has been overwhelming at times.
Last night I found myself reaching for a cigarette for the first time since moving out, but I stopped myself.
I realized I started smoking because I was unhappy in my marriage, not because I needed it.
It’s strange—strange how clarity comes to you in these moments.
Tessa has been sending me long text messages late at night, ranging from angry accusations to emotional pleas.
In her latest message, she wrote about how she’s been watching cooking videos and learning to do laundry properly.
It would be almost funny if it weren’t so sad.
These are basic life skills she’s only now deciding to learn at 28.
Some mutual friends have started sending screenshots of Tessa’s private social media posts where she’s sharing her side of the story.
She’s painting herself as a devoted wife blindsided by a husband who never communicated his unhappiness.
The comments are full of people calling me heartless and suggesting I might be having a midlife crisis.
I had to laugh at that one.
Apparently at 35 I’m already in midlife crisis territory.
My attorney advised me to document everything but not to respond to any of these provocations.
She says it’s actually helpful for our case when she shows this kind of manipulative behavior publicly.
Still, it’s hard not to feel attacked from all sides.
The only thing keeping me grounded is seeing how much more relaxed our son has become since we moved to my parents’ house.
He’s sleeping better, eating better, and seems generally happier.
He still asks about his mom, of course, but he’s not anxious about it like he used to be when we all lived together and tensions were high.
I have my first mediation session scheduled for next week.
My attorney has prepared me for what to expect, but I’m still nervous.
Tessa’s lawyer has already indicated that they plan to fight hard against the full custody request, so I know it’s going to be a difficult process.
Despite all the pressure and second-guessing from others, I feel more certain about my decision with each passing day.
Living with my parents has reminded me what a supportive household feels like.
I’ve been getting proper sleep for the first time in years, and I’m starting to remember who I was before I became so consumed by trying to make an impossible situation work.
The next few weeks will be crucial as we start the formal proceedings.
I’ll update again after the mediation session, but for now I just wanted to thank everyone who supported me in my original post.
Your comments helped me stay strong when I was doubting myself the most.
Update two.
Today Tessa came to visit us at my parents’ house.
It’s been a week and a half since my last update, and honestly I was dreading this encounter.
We had our mediation session scheduled in a few days, so this was probably our last informal meeting before the legal process begins in earnest.
I expected this to be a confrontational visit, especially given all her emotional text messages lately.
However, what happened today completely changed my perspective on several things.
When I opened the door, Tessa was standing there looking more put together than I’ve seen her in years.
She was wearing a proper dress instead of her usual gym attire, and she’d even brought a small gift bag for our son.
What really struck me was her demeanor.
There was none of the defensiveness or hostility I’ve been preparing myself for.
She made small talk with my parents—something she rarely did even when we were married.
She asked my mom about her garden and discussed some local sports with my dad.
It was awkward, yes, but also strangely civil.
After about 15 minutes of this surprisingly normal conversation, she asked if she could see our son.
The way she asked—not demanded, but actually asked—was already such a departure from her usual behavior that it took me a moment to respond.
Our son was playing in the living room when we walked in.
The moment he saw Tessa, his entire face lit up.
“Mommy!” he shouted, abandoning his toys and running straight into Tessa’s arms.
I hung back by the doorway, watching their interaction.
Tessa had brought a new puzzle, one with spaceships, showing she’d actually paid attention when I mentioned our son’s new space obsession in the custody paperwork.
They sat together on the floor, and Tessa let our son take the lead in putting it together—something she’d never done before.
Usually she’d try to control the activity, getting frustrated when our son didn’t follow her instructions exactly.
What really got to me was hearing Tessa ask our son about his day, his friends at daycare, and his favorite parts of living at Grandma and Grandpa’s house.
She listened—actually listened—to our son’s rambling answers about the neighbor cat in the treehouse in the backyard.
In all our years of marriage, I never seen her engage with our son like this.
At one point, our son started telling Tessa about how I make his sandwiches in the shape of rockets now.
Instead of making a sarcastic comment about my culinary skills, as she would have done before, Tessa asked our son to teach her how to do it.
They spent the next 20 minutes in the kitchen, with our son very seriously instructing her mother on the rocket sandwich construction technique.
The real turning point came when our son asked when he could see her, Mommy, again.
The hopeful look on both their faces hit me hard.
Tessa didn’t jump in with demands or try to manipulate the situation.
She just looked at me, waiting for my response.
After they finished playing, when it was time for Tessa to leave, our son gave her a big hug and asked her to come back tomorrow.
Tessa looked at me questioningly, and I found myself nodding before I’d even really thought about it.
Tessa and I talked briefly at the door before she left.
Without any of her usual defensiveness, she acknowledged that she’d been a lousy mother so far.
She admitted that seeing how much our son had grown and changed in just these few weeks made her realize how much she’d missed by not being more involved.
She told me she was ready to learn everything it would take to be a better mother, even if she couldn’t be a better wife.
She mentioned that she’d hired a nanny to help her learn proper child care techniques, and she’s been taking parenting classes three times a week.
She showed me the certificates on her phone—not bragging, but just letting me know she was serious about this.
She didn’t try to convince me to come back or make any grand promises about changing.
Instead, she just requested that I reconsider the full custody arrangement.
She suggested we could work out a schedule that would allow her to prove she could be a responsible parent while ensuring our son’s routine wasn’t disrupted.
After she left, I called my attorney.
I told her I no longer wanted to pursue full custody and would be open to discussing a joint custody arrangement.
She reminded me of all the documentation we’d gathered showing Tessa’s previous lack of involvement, but I explained that I needed to give her a chance to be a better mother, even if she hadn’t been a good wife.
The look of pure joy on our son’s face today made me realize that while ending my marriage is the right decision, I don’t have the right to end my son’s relationship with his mother—especially not when Tessa is finally showing real signs of wanting to step up and be the mother our son deserves.
Update three.
The divorce negotiations have begun, and surprisingly things are going much smoother than I expected.
Tessa and her lawyer have been remarkably cooperative, which I suspect is her way of showing remorse for her past behavior.
We’ve started working out the custody arrangements for our son, and while everything is still informal and verbal at this point, we’re thinking he should spend half the month at my place and the other half at his mom’s.
That’s actually what we’re doing right now.
My son is supposed to go live with his mom in a couple of days.
I was initially anxious about this arrangement, but Tessa has really stepped up.
She’s asked her mother to help her out, which has been a huge relief.
Despite our marriage ending, she’s been incredibly supportive—more so than some of my closest friends.
She still calls me daily to check in, sending me pictures of the bedroom she’s helping Tessa set up for our son.
The house situation has also been resolved more easily than I anticipated.
Tessa agreed to sell it and split the proceeds 55 to 45 in my favor, acknowledging the extra work I put in over the years.
Her lawyer actually suggested this compromise, which shows they’re genuinely trying to be fair.
Tessa has also enrolled in a co-parenting course, something the mediator recommended but wasn’t required.
She’s been sharing her progress with me through our new co-parenting app, which helps us keep track of schedules, appointments, and our son’s activities without direct contact.
The most surprising development has been how Tessa handles our son’s space phase.
She’s transformed the spare room in her apartment into a mini planetarium, complete with glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling.
She asked me for our son’s bedtime routine and has been practicing it with her mom to ensure consistency between homes.
I’m still seeing our son every few days during Tessa’s time because neither of us thinks going two weeks without seeing either parent is good for him.
We’ve worked out a schedule where we alternate weekends and do Wednesday dinner with whoever doesn’t have him that week.
The mediation sessions have been productive, focusing on practical co-parenting strategies rather than rehashing our marital issues.
Tessa has been actively participating, taking notes and asking relevant questions about handling school schedules, healthcare decisions, and holiday arrangements.
We’ve established clear communication boundaries.
No more late-night text messages or social media drama.
Everything goes through the co-parenting app or our lawyers.
Tessa voluntarily deleted her previous posts about our situation and made a final update simply stating that we’re working things out privately for our son’s benefit.
Her mother has been an unexpected blessing through all this.
She’s not just helping Tessa learn to parent; she’s actually mediating between us when things get tense.
Last week, when we disagreed about preschool options, she arranged a meeting with both sets of grandparents to discuss it rationally.
We ended up finding a solution that worked for everyone.
Our son seems to be adapting well to the new arrangement.
He’s excited about having two rooms and two sets of toys, though we’re trying to maintain some consistency by having his favorite stuffed animals travel with him between houses.
He stopped asking when we’re going home and instead talks about Mommy’s house and Daddy’s house without any apparent distress.
The financial aspects are being handled professionally through our lawyers.
We’re setting up a joint account specifically for our son’s expenses with clear guidelines about what each of us will contribute and how the money can be used.
Tessa suggested this herself, wanting to ensure transparency in our co-parenting financial responsibilities.
Looking ahead, we have a detailed parenting plan that covers everything from education to medical decisions.
We’ve even included provisions for how to handle future relationships, agreeing to meet any potential new partners before introducing them to our son.
I know we still have challenges ahead.
This is just the beginning of our parenting journey, and there will undoubtedly be bumps along the way.
But for the first time since this all began, I feel genuinely hopeful about our ability to put our son’s needs first and work together as parents, even if we couldn’t work together as spouses.
My son is happier than I’ve seen him in months, and that’s what matters most.
Tessa and I both understand now that being good co-parents is more important than holding on to past hurts.
I’m grateful that we found a way to move forward that puts our son’s well-being first while allowing both of us to maintain meaningful relationships with him.
Thank you all for the support and advice throughout this journey.
Your comments helped me stay strong when I was doubting myself and guided me toward making decisions that were best for both me and my son.
This community has been an incredible source of strength and wisdom.
