This was last Christmas. The lights were perfect, the kids were laughing, and she wore that Santa hat like everything was fine. We made cookies.
Opened presents. Took this picture right before bedtime. I didn’t know it then, but she had already packed a suitcase.
Three days later, I woke up to a note on the counter. No explanation. Just, “I need to find myself.”
She left me with three kids under six, a mountain of unopened gifts, and a smile I can’t look at anymore without wondering if any of it was real.
I used to love Christmas. Now I fake it for them. The first weeks after she left felt like drowning.
The house was too quiet at night, yet somehow too loud during the day. The kids asked questions I had no answers for. “Where’s Mommy?” “When is she coming back?” I told them she needed a little trip.
I told them she would call soon. I told them lies because I didn’t know what else to do. People think anger comes first when someone walks out on you.
For me, it was shame. I kept replaying that night when we took the photo, wondering how I didn’t see it. How did I miss the signs?
Was she already gone in her heart? Did she ever really love me, or was it all something she endured until she couldn’t anymore? The mornings were brutal.
Three kids under six don’t wait for grief. They wake up hungry, cranky, and full of energy I couldn’t match. I burned toast more times than I could count.
I forgot to sign school forms. The laundry piled high. Every little failure screamed in my face, and I started to believe maybe she left because I wasn’t enough.
But kids don’t care about your pity party. They need you. That was the only thing that kept me from falling apart completely.
When my youngest crawled into bed with me one night and whispered, “Daddy, don’t cry,” I realized I had to stop waiting for her to come back. So I forced myself to show up. Not perfectly.
Not gracefully. But I showed up. I learned how to braid my daughter’s hair by watching YouTube videos.
I learned how to make pancakes without burning them. I learned that saying “I love you” ten times a day doesn’t erase their sadness, but it reminds them they’re safe. Still, she haunted me.
Every grocery run, every school pickup, every empty chair at the dinner table reminded me of what she had done. And deep down, I kept thinking—she’ll call. She’ll write.
The story doesn’t end here –
it continues on the next page.
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