My own grandkids were embarrassed to be seen with me in a swimsuit. By the end of that vacation, they were the ones fighting back tears.
I never thought my own grandchildren would be the reason I almost hid my body again.
At my age, you think certain things stop hurting. You think you build up this thick skin after enough years of surviving marriage, childbirth, loss, widowhood, money problems, illness, funerals, and all the little humiliations life scatters in your path just to keep you humble.
Some things still find the softest part of you and press down hard.
This happened last summer, when the whole family went to Florida for a beach vacation. My son Daniel had rented a big house near the water. His wife, Megan, packed enough snacks to survive a power outage.
My daughter Elise brought three suitcases for a four-day trip. The grandkids came armed with phones, earbuds, opinions, and the kind of careless honesty only young people can get away with.
I had bought myself a new swimsuit for the trip.
Nothing wild. Navy blue. High-waisted bottoms. A halter top with little white stitching along the edges. Tasteful, I thought. Cute, even. I bought it because I liked it, which is not something women my age are encouraged to say out loud. We’re supposed to talk about comfort, support, coverage, and what’s “appropriate.”
But I liked it.
I liked the way it made me feel like I was still allowed to have a body instead of just a history.
The night before our first beach day, I was folding things in my room when my youngest grandson, Tyler, wandered in looking for sunscreen. He saw the swimsuit laid out on the bed.
He blinked. “Wait. You’’re wearing that?”
He gave an awkward little smile, the kind kids do when they don’t want to be the one to say the uncomfortable thing.
Then Ava, my oldest granddaughter, appeared in the doorway behind him. She looked at the bed, then at me.
“Grandma,” she said quietly, “are you serious?”
I remember still smiling. “About going swimming? Very.”
“No, I mean…” She glanced at Tyler, then back at me. “People are going to stare.”
Not one of them laughed. Not one of them said, “Just kidding.”
And the worst part was, Daniel was walking past the room at that exact moment. He slowed just enough to hear it. Megan was behind him. They both looked in and then looked away.
The rest… continues on the next page.
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